Welcome to my first open letter. This series or chronicles may get crazy, emotional, serious, and hilarious.
Currently, I’m sitting here looking crazy with the song “In my feelings” by Drake stuck in my head. All I can hear is Drake saying “Trap, TrapMoneyBenny, this shit got me in my feelings…”
Like who the hell got me in my feelings? I have one person in mind that probably is giving me this mood. Ugh, I hate to admit it too. Things weren’t exactly supposed to turn out this way. I was supposed to have fun and not get my feelings involve to quick. Guess what happens though the guy turned out to be hella amazing and passed my list of qualities I would want in my future hubby.
So, as you’re reading this confused and thinking to yourself she mentions this dude is amazing but why she in her feelings though? Well, to answer your question even though he is a solid dude he has a way of throwing mixed signals. One minute he’s open about how he feels about me and show the actions to prove it. Then the next minute I get the vibe where he wants me to back off.
Now I’m in this mood where I’m trying to decide to cut him off or continue to see how things go. I feel like I had enough patience for the period of time we have known each other (2 months). In the two-month time frame, we have talked every day except for the one day. Spent time with each other when he had time to. We always had a good time with each other. I never wanted our time together to end. Like we shared a close connection that can’t be recreated if someone else tried it. Whew, he always gives me that cloud nine feeling. I love it too! Anyways, let me not boost him up too much because it’s possible he will come across this post lol. He knows how I feel about him though. I express it A LOT to him.
I’m just not liking the fact that I feel some type of way about our situation. It’s like he showed interest at first then I feel like he’s not feeling me anymore. A part of me thinks it’s because of this talk we had one day about me basically telling him how I felt like I wasn’t really an important factor in his life. Then again there are other important things he is trying to focus on in his life.
Of course in a short time of him knowing me, I don’t expect him to put me before anything he has going on. I just feel like he views me as the last option of people he cares about. It’s whatever though I’m not focusing my energy on that anymore. You can’t force someone to stick around if they don’t want to.
Then he clearly said he didn’t want a relationship. Like okay, I’m cool with that because as of right now I’m not ready for a relationship either. I still need time to work on myself. I guess he assumes I wanted a relationship out of him at this very moment. It would be nice but like I told him on different occasions I’m not trying to rush anything. Honestly, all I wanted to do is have fun with someone that I’m attracted to, build a solid friendship, and see where things can take us.
The Problem is…
The problem I have is don’t try to pursue me in an affectionate matter if you weren’t trying to take me seriously in the first place. All of that extra stuff could’ve been avoided. His intentions were to get to know me more as a friend then possibly move forward into something more. Maybe we had two different meanings of the “more” he mentioned. The thing is “friends” don’t kiss, call each other bae, and have intercourse with each other. Maybe that’s where we both went wrong… I’m not going to dwell on that for too long. It’s so much more I want to express in this letter or diary entry but I’ll just stop here for now.
I enjoyed the memories I shared with him though. He made me happier than I ever felt before. Too bad our situation turned into something temporary. Maybe we will work out into something more in the next lifetime. Technically we haven’t officially ended anything yet. I just feel like the ending is near. This is why I hated how quickly my feelings develop for him. The vibe is off and feeling very different now.