Open Letter Entry #1: In My Feelings…

Welcome to my first open letter. This series or chronicles may get crazy, emotional, serious, and hilarious. 

Currently, I’m sitting here looking crazy with the song “In my feelings” by Drake stuck in my head. All I can hear is Drake saying “Trap, TrapMoneyBenny, this shit got me in my feelings…”

drake in my feelings gif

Like who the hell got me in my feelings? I have one person in mind that probably is giving me this mood. Ugh, I hate to admit it too. Things weren’t exactly supposed to turn out this way. I was supposed to have fun and not get my feelings involve to quick. Guess what happens though the guy turned out to be hella amazing and passed my list of qualities I would want in my future hubby.

So, as you’re reading this confused and thinking to yourself she mentions this dude is amazing but why she in her feelings though? Well, to answer your question even though he is a solid dude he has a way of throwing mixed signals. One minute he’s open about how he feels about me and show the actions to prove it. Then the next minute I get the vibe where he wants me to back off.

rolling eyes

Now I’m in this mood where I’m trying to decide to cut him off or continue to see how things go. I feel like I had enough patience for the period of time we have known each other (2 months). In the two-month time frame, we have talked every day except for the one day. Spent time with each other when he had time to. We always had a good time with each other. I never wanted our time together to end. Like we shared a close connection that can’t be recreated if someone else tried it. Whew, he always gives me that cloud nine feeling. I love it too! Anyways, let me not boost him up too much because it’s possible he will come across this post lol. He knows how I feel about him though. I express it A LOT to him.

I’m just not liking the fact that I feel some type of way about our situation. It’s like he showed interest at first then I feel like he’s not feeling me anymore. A part of me thinks it’s because of this talk we had one day about me basically telling him how I felt like I wasn’t really an important factor in his life. Then again there are other important things he is trying to focus on in his life.

Of course in a short time of him knowing me, I don’t expect him to put me before anything he has going on. I just feel like he views me as the last option of people he cares about. It’s whatever though I’m not focusing my energy on that anymore. You can’t force someone to stick around if they don’t want to.

not mad gif

Then he clearly said he didn’t want a relationship. Like okay, I’m cool with that because as of right now I’m not ready for a relationship either. I still need time to work on myself. I guess he assumes I wanted a relationship out of him at this very moment. It would be nice but like I told him on different occasions I’m not trying to rush anything.  Honestly, all I wanted to do is have fun with someone that I’m attracted to, build a solid friendship, and see where things can take us.

The Problem is…

The problem I have is don’t try to pursue me in an affectionate matter if you weren’t trying to take me seriously in the first place. All of that extra stuff could’ve been avoided. His intentions were to get to know me more as a friend then possibly move forward into something more. Maybe we had two different meanings of the “more” he mentioned. The thing is “friends” don’t kiss, call each other bae, and have intercourse with each other. Maybe that’s where we both went wrong… I’m not going to dwell on that for too long.  It’s so much more I want to express in this letter or diary entry but I’ll just stop here for now.

I enjoyed the memories I shared with him though. He made me happier than I ever felt before. Too bad our situation turned into something temporary. Maybe we will work out into something more in the next lifetime. Technically we haven’t officially ended anything yet. I just feel like the ending is near. This is why I hated how quickly my feelings develop for him. The vibe is off and feeling very different now.

Stay tuned for the next letter entry

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Full Control

Stroke the ego

Observe actions

Play the submissive role

Listen to inner thoughts

Give comfort

Express feelings

Fulfill sexual desires

Giving affection that never expires

Now you’re wrapped around my finger

Caught you by surprise didn’t I?

The power I hold is hard to deny

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On to the Next

Crushed

Defeated

Restless

Feel tested

Should’ve never stressed it

No more feeling like I’m under the pressure of being attacked

Stupid of you to think I want you back

On to the next

Moving forward is the mission

No need for me to ask for your permission

Hated feeling the suspicion

You executed

Having you apart of my life is not included

With how I want the future to be

Should’ve been careful with me

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Someone to Put in the Past (Des Blog-a-thon) #15

After all the chaos you put me through

It’s time to let you go…

You thought I would come running back like I did many times before

I can only imagine your facial expression and thoughts

When you realized I was serious this time…

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He Was Wrong…

He always thought I would be there for him

But he was wrong

He thought his lies would save him forever

But he was wrong

He thought I didn’t know his secret

But he was wrong

He thought our love would never die

But he was wrong

He thought his “apologies” would make everything better

But he was wrong

He’ll never be able to make anything up to me

I hope he suffocates in his own misery

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One Sided Friendships

One-sided friendships are annoying to deal with especially if you take friendships seriously. When I say one-sided friendships I’m talking about the ones where you stick by your friend side through rough times, showed loyalty, trust, and gave support. You probably treated the person like family too. But they didn’t show you the same type of love back. Basically, this is the friend that takes advantage of you for their own personal needs. They benefit from being your friend because they know you would go above and beyond just to make sure they are good. 

From experience, I helped so many “friends” out especially when they needed a shoulder to lean on. Those friends would come to me for advice dealing with family or relationships issues. Being a good friend I listen to their problems and gave as much help as I could. The sad part about my friendship with those people they barely return the favor. When I’m in need for advice or need a listening ear all I get is “dang that sucks”, “I hope things get better”, or “I’m sorry to hear that.” I don’t want to hear those cliche responses. Yes, I am aware certain people don’t know how to comfort others when they are in need. Some people can’t help that. My point is if I put effort into our friendship then you should do the same. Don’t expect someone to always be there for you if you act like you don’t appreciate it. That don’t sit right with me if you’re okay with being a one sided friend.

When you put yourself in the position to be a person friend you are expected to do certain things. I mean I’m not saying you are obligated to do the things that I mention but I just want to point out a couple of things. As a friend you are expected to show support, be trustworthy, give real/helpful advice, and a person to hang out with when you have free time. That’s just to name a couple of things because I know every friendship is different. Hopefully, you are getting my point though.

Don’t ever waste your time being in a friendship where you feel like a person isn’t there for you like you need them to be. If you want your friendship to work then communicate with them about how you feel. Sometimes communication brings awareness to situations. Get you a friend that values friendships as much as you do.

Have you ever found yourself in a one sided friendship? Share your experience in the comment section.

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Pieces of You

You see but don’t speak on it

Hear but don’t listen

Sneaky but not slick

Smart

Oh, you’re a know it all

Sweet but deceiving

Attractive but still there’s still flaws

But I’m in love with them all

Pieces of you I discovered

There’s more to uncover

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In Lust

Lusting for a soft touch

Passionate kisses

Foreplay

Backshots

Feeling of pleasure when you’re inside

Give me what I want then leave

No attachment or commitment

Come feed my addiction

Need it to fill my empty spots

Lust is all I need to keep me whole

Forever in lust never in love

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Every Person You Meet Doesn’t Want to Hurt You

Have you ever had an experience where you messed up a good situation with someone? This person put their whole heart into you, showed how much they cared, and even proved to you that they were genuine. They were down with you through whatever. Too bad everything didn’t work out the way it was supposed to.

You were too blinded by your pain from the past to appreciate the real love in front of you. All the hurt you carried from your past relationship or situation got you thinking anyone that enters your life has bad intentions for you. Avoiding yourself from getting played but everything you’re thinking is all in your head. Yes, you’ve been hurt, develop trust issues, insecure, and feeling a little bitter. Give that person that is trying to do right by you a chance. Especially if they didn’t do anything to abuse your trust in them.

Holding on to the pain from the past will ruin your chance at happiness if you haven’t done that already. What if there is a person out there that truly cares about how you feel. What if they see your value and worth? Not everyone is out here to hurt you. I’m not telling you to open up so easily to every person you meet still be careful with that. All I’m saying is don’t put yourself in a situation where you have someone who is good for you then push them away for the wrong reasons.

Yes, we make our mistakes and realize certain things when it’s too late. Just make sure you learn from those mistakes. If you still feel like you are not fully healed from what you been through, then take more time to yourself. You may can’t help who may come into your life while you’re in the healing process. One thing you can do though is appreciate someone who cares for you. Everyone is not out to hurt you. Stay strong, trust your intuition, and forgive.

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Patterns

Active on social media

Half ass stories

Excuses

So “tired”

But still on social media though

Been “busy”

But still on social media though

Nothing is adding up

Patterns

Ghosting for hours

Routines

Predictable

No need to ask questions

The signs are there

I’m less important on your list of interest

It’s cool though

I’ll rather distant myself

The truth revealed itself

You played yourself

Thinking I was going to stick around for the bullshit

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